Thursday, May 31, 2007

What is Fun

fire engines and firefighters
(mom thinks so too)
anything involving water and getting wet
chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate
wooden clothes pins, bed sheets and imagination
mom on a good day

All by Himself: Getting Dressed

This morning my son dressed himself. All by himself.

He took out a t-shirt and carefully figured out the front and back.

He chose his own underwear (Lightening McQueen boxer briefs).

He pulled out a (thank goodness) matching pair of pants (currently he's into sweat pants...I think cause they are easy on, easy off for those moments where OMG I held my pee too long).

The shirt was half tucked into his pants. The pants were pulled up to his nipple line, making him look like a cute Asian Urkel. But he did it.

I knew he could put on his shirt. I knew he could put on his underwear. I knew he could put on his pants. But it was the first time I knew he could do it all at once---all by himself---that he could dress himself without needing my help at all.

My little boy is growing up.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Mind over Matter

I'm not exactly sure if the title has anything to do with what I'm about to write, but it seemed good enough when I started. I've been gently reminded that I should get back here and back to writing.

So here I am.

The medication I have been on for depression has been working wonders. To feel normal again is such a blessing.

For me, the depression happened in an instant. I woke up on April 23, 2007, and there it was. No one died. Everything was going well...my son, my husband...everything was normal---except for me. I found myself feeling utterly alone in the world, without friends. I cried for the next 4 days in a row. My husband said I was acting like my best friend had died, which was exactly how I was feeling. He determined I was not merely "sad" but was "depressed."

I really hate to use the word "crazy," but that is how I felt. My emotions were out of control. Some days I'd be full of sadness. Other days I'd be irritable, short of patience, and ready to snap. I was a far cry from the easy going, go-with-the-flow, happy-go-lucky person I normally was.

I'm lucky. I have angels looking out for me, prodding me. I got treatment early. I have a great support system. And I have great friends who have been so incredibly understanding and accepting. I've even learned that some of them also suffer from Depression, and I have been helped tremendously with their individual experiences and insights. While it is sad that so many people seem to have this, I'm glad I'm not alone.

I watched Oprah. I've read articles. I know Depression is an illness. I know there are chemical changes that occur in the brain which causes it. BUT, there is a tiny, insiduous part of me that clings to the idea that having this illness makes me a weaker person, mentally or otherwise. There's a negative connotation of Depression that makes people keep it a secret illness. After all, it does occur in the brain---we think...brain...mental illness...crazy. And while I don't think of others with Depression as crazy, when it comes to me, it's almost like I should be stronger...I shouldn't need to take medication.

I think Depression needs to be thought of as brain cancer, not mental illness. Depression eats away at every aspect of your life. Without treatment, it will continue to run unchecked and take over completely. I need to change the way I think about it and myself.

I refer to my medicine as "my crazy pill." I need to stop doing that. At the very least, it's "my happy pill" or "my normal pill."

What it truly has been is "my lifeline."

Monday, May 21, 2007

Weekend Update

I danced with my son to Kenny Chesney.
I ate a bagel and had chai alone at Panera Bread.
I got to recline in the quiet room in the spa.
We saw the National Guard racing car.
My husband did the cooking and the laundry.
I washed the dog and cleaned up the dirty dishes. Yes...there were lots.
I have not cried or shed a tear since Monday.
It's been good.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Gray Skies...

are going to clear up!

I'm doing well...better than I was 3 weeks ago. Each week seems to be getting a little better. I'm letting women into my life, confiding and trusting, and slowly giving myself some time to make those all important friendship connections.

Everyone I know has been wonderful and supportive!

It hasn't been smooth sailing, but I like to be positive (at least my old side has and it's been winning...at least for the moment) so the bright side is that I have more good days than bad.

I went out last night with a new friend (named aptly JOY) to a MOPS meeting. It was the first time I'd been out with another person other than my son and my husband in I don't know how long. It was nice. Very nice. Definitely something I will need to do again.

Tomorrow will be a morning of spa pampering for me at Burke Williams. I will enjoy myself. TRUST ME!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

From Dove to Criminal Minds

Last night's episode I heard this quote, and it gonged inside my head:


"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."
--Charlie Chaplin

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Chocolate Wisdoms

Whether by fate or coincidence,
I've been getting messages from Dove chocolate.


Sometimes life is just too funny.
Messages received.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Today


What I did yesterday

I listened to water tinkling out of a fountain as the roar of an engine burst from the my little boy running round the track.

I watched a snail creep across the brick ground as a curious boy explored its many wonders.

I saw the fierce concentration of a young artist as an elephant was painted.

I lost a race to a boy and his truck.

I flew a kite.

I took a walk down the street with my son and his truck.

I smiled.