30 Seconds

A brief reminder...

If you have 30 seconds, please do your part and click to help. It doesn't cost you and thing and you will be making a huge difference.

http://www.thechildhealthsite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1&link=ctg_ths_home_from_ars_home_sitenav

Better yet... click everyday!

And Less is More

Decluttering and reorganizing. That's my ongoing mission. I continued again last night, getting rid of about 2 bags of my romance and poetry books and 1 bag of my son's board books. My husband came home to see me reorganizing the books I had left, wanting to know if I could whittle it down to just one book shelf.

Uh... NO!

On top of being a pack rat, I am a bookophile. Is that a word? I think so, but I'm not goint to "Google" right now--y'all know what I mean in any case. I have reading material in every room of the house. In the closet. In the dining room. Under the beds. In the drawers. In the pantry.

Books have been my friends for a long time. Books shared their secrets with me and inveigled me into many adventures. I've laughed and cried with my books. I've treasured them...no folded corner pages, no cracks in the spine. It's damn hard to say goodbye.

So the ones I've kept are my favorites--the ones I return to over and over again. Julie Garwood, Nora Roberts, Elizabeth Lowell, and Christine Feehan are a few of my favorites. They cover the genre in romance from historical to paranormal. Yes, vampires can be very sexy.

Part of decluttering is getting rid of what you don't need. And not accumulating more. That will be a toughie. The key, or so I'm told, is getting rid of something you have if you are getting something new. Out with the old, in with the new. And knowing where you will put the object before you buy it.

I still have piles of crap around the house. But each day I'm tackling them one by one. I figure by next year I should have the house well decluttered. I should probably get rid of the glass plate I was giving at my engagement party that I have never used and is still in the box. No, it wasn't a gift from my Aunt Gertrude... but it was a gift and it's hard to shake that mentality of giving away something someone gave to you.

Decluttering my house... decluttering my life...

Cleaner. Lighter. Better.

Princess Less

If you know me, you know that I am a pack rat. I am proud to say I don't own a cat, and I only have one dog. I can still see my floors, and I throw away my newspapers on a regular basis. I'm not the queen of pack rats. --more like the princess. I can't seem to help myself. I could think of a use for almost anything.

"No! Don't throw it away! I need it!"

You doubt me?!

Here's an example. You know those small plastic containers from drinks like Crystal Light that hold the powder so you just add water in a pitcher?

I save those. They make the perfect containers for holding individual paints during art project time. When we're done, I just rinse them out and save them for next time.

I have also saved yogurt containers which make the perfect size for snacks on the go. The crackers don't get squashed like they do in a plastic baggie and the take up less room than a rubbermaid or tupperware container. I also use them to hold water for our painting projects and have used the lids to hold dabs of paint. The lids are also great to put under table legs to prevent damage to any plastic floor covering you might use.

Package popcorn is saved. It can be reused as package material OR you could paint it and then use it in an artwork. Same goes for macaroni. I saved shoelaces for stringing beads or lacing projects...cleaned, of course. Jars are always a keeper. You never know when you might give a gift of "______ in a jar" or make a snow globe.

The list could go on and on. But I'll spare you my idiosyncrasies.

Lately, I've been getting organized. And I have to admit, it does feel good. It started slowly, but it's been on-going and consistent. I'm not going to win any awards any time soon, but I'm getting better at this. There is an abundance of information out there (and a surprising number of people on the opposite end of the spectrum). One very...um...enlightened organizer that I've checked out for tips is http://orgjunkie.blogspot.com/.

It's only Wednesday, and my floors have been wiped and vacuumed, the bathrooms (all 3) are cleaned. The bedrooms, living room, and dining room are cleaned. The bulk of the laundry is done with socks and undies to last us till next week. And all this done 2 weeks in a row. Yeah. I'm amazed too!

Now if I could only get to cooking dinners...I'd be joining the ranks of June Cleaver. I'd say Mrs. Brady but she had a maid.

Lucky bitch.

Free Love

Lucy is fine. She drank a lot of water yesterday and seemed to be on a little sugar rush, but other than that, she was thankfully normal. I'm so relieved since the hubby has cancelled her "health insurance" policy. He is unwilling to pay for anymore trips to the ER.

Crap.

Well, that's what happens when a dog lover marries a less compassionate soul. To him, a dog is a dog--an animal. Me? I see her in a different light, a more accepting light. I take the good with the bad because the good way supercedes the bad. To me, she's worth it. Money is just money. But then, I'm not the one making any either...

One more thing to worry about

The day started out great. I took Zorro to class and then ran a few errands. I got some items recycled and did some shopping at the 99 cents store. Then I got in about 30 minutes of exercise time. I picked Zorro up and went to drop something off at his pediatrician's office (needed to get a prescription renewed---one great benefit of getting organized is not finding these things out before it's too late). Then we called a friend and had lunch with her at McDonald's. I went home...

The dog was out of her cage. I checked around briefly and saw the living room and kitchen looked in great condition...which basically meant she hadn't gotten into anything. Then, I went upstairs.

Sitting on the floor was an empty box of donuts. Crumbs were scattered amongst the blue and gray fibers of the rug. I knew there had been two donuts left in the box...and at least one had been a chocolate covered one. Yeah. I'm thinking "Great."

I call the vet's office and am told to watch her. The amount of chocolate she ingested was probably nothing too serious. But, still watch for abnormal behavior...vomiting etc. She seems pretty normal right now. I'm just waiting for the clock to reach closing time. That's usually when she starts having problems and I end up having to take her to the ER.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll have no ill effects and make a reminder to make sure the cage is locked securely to keep her safe from chewing gum, chocolate, and whatever else her daddy may have left lying out.

Love and Duty

The hubby worked hard all week to get today off. Unfortunately, it was all for naught. He was called in for jury duty and is at the local courthouse today. He is not a happy camper. Neither is Zorro who was looking forward to daddy taking him to preschool and showing off the classroom toys, especially the assortment of Chevron cars.

While I feel for hubby (I really do!), I still get my free time during Zorro's class. WOOHOO!! I have my exercise outfit planned, packed my fanny pack (yes, I still use one), and have my MP3 player ready to go. Rascal Flatts and I can eat some serious pavement together.

After getting on the scale a few days ago and seeing I gained--and continued to gain--weight, I gave myself an ass-whooping. Big ass...Big whooping. So, I'm happy to report I made some effort to eat less (portion size and caloric intake) and to get in some exercise. I got on my mini stepper 3 days in a row--granted it was only 15 minutes per day but it was more than I had done in months. I also managed to do some girly-man push-ups and some crunches. I am going to get back to happy and to happy weight!

I reread some of my past blogs, blogs of my happier days. I read the love I felt for my son, my joy of him. I read the pride I felt in myself, the joy of being who I was--mommy, wife, friend. I also read my time of tears and confusion. And saw the days and weeks of missing entries. And the missing pages spoke for themselves.

And here I am.

The love for my son never left--but the love for me and my interests had waned. It was a struggle to smile and attempt to make each day seem normal. It was a struggle not to let my sadness show through and not to let it touch the brightness of my son. I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to fake it. I made it. It feels normal and right. I feel good. I feel so incredibly good and I know how lucky I am to be here. It's such an amazing difference to how I felt just 2 months ago. Like night and day.

And writing again...soothes my soul once more.

Hello, old friend. Hello.

Tell Me More

I've been trying to decrease the television watching in our house. A new rule was implemented. Paperwork or housecleaning in exchanage for tv time. After my cleanup day, there was no more cleaning to give Zorro though he desperately wanted to (he hates paperwork--paperwork is what we call writing or workbook activities). But I remain firm...no paperwork, no tv. And so this morning I hear his little voice tell me of what happened while I was at the doctor's last night:

"Mom...the last day--daddy let me watch tv and I didn't do paperwork or write my name or clean up."

"Oh, really? I guess I'll have to put daddy in time out. Why did he do that?"

**silence**

Probably running through his head...loosely translated, of course... "Oh shit?!"

But, I'm a good mommy, so I ask if he'd been a good listening boy. He says he had, so I say "that's why daddy let you watch television. Because you were a good listening boy, you earned television watching."

Parents have to back up one another and make sure the rules are being followed and throughly explained to the children so we are all on the same page.

Grrrrrr...Just wait till your daddy gets home....

The Weight is Over

As I battled the psychological war, the Battle of the Bulge continued to rage on with the enemy steadily gaining ground and winning. UGH!

Solace and comfort is found in the pantry. But as my pants grow tighter, so does the disgust with myself.

Besides trying to schedule in vacuuming and laundry and washing the dog and classes and "ME" time, I need to squeeze in exercise...because I am tired of squeezing into my clothes! I miss when they felt loose, when I could see the ridges of my belly and the bones on my ribcage.

Damn you!! Damn you chocolate cake, pistachio ice cream, apple pie, bread pudding, Lay's sour cream and onion potato chips (OH why can't I have just one?!), animal crackers, peanut butter.....!!!!!!!

My eating habits have slowly slipped back into familiar routines. Bad routines. I'm going to restart by just adding exercises. I can do that. And cutting back slowly---breads and rice and potatoes (bye bye Lay's)...eating more nutritious foods---salads and fruits---and drinking more water.

Today is my day to help out in Zorro's class so I must go and get a load of laundry started and get him up for breakfast.

Wouldn't it be great if BUSY=POUNDS LOST?!

HELLO UNCLE NORMAN!! GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE READING. GUESS I CAN'T TALK ABOUT YOU NOW!

Hats Off

Zorro's first day of preschool went great. I found out that due to the small size of the class, parents are required to sign up for a minimum of 5 days to help out. The teacher also requested people sign up for more days to help out those who had multiple kids enrolled or those that couldn't help out so much. The whole point of signing Zorro up for preschool was for me to get time away from him. Now it seems I will still be there in the classroom at least for about 7 days. I thought this was hilarious. The hubby did not think it was so funny. But, then, he has to live with me at my worst. Which is still pretty good (and funny in a crazy kind of way).

So now I am trying to schedule my time to be most efficient...so I don't get so overwhelmed and frazzled. And I have to schedule in things like classes and drive time and vacuuming and laundry. And I am a stay at home mom...and I wonder how in the world I would manage it all if I had a 9 to 5 job that I had to go to. I don't know that I could do it. I don't know how other ladies manage it and stay sane and raise not only one child but two or three of four. What a feat!! Hats off to you!!

Separation Anxiety

Today Zorro starts his first day of preschool. The class is Monday, Wednesday, Friday for 2 hours each day. Unlike other classes we've taken together, he will attend on his own while I wait for the time to be over. While I think I will enjoy having some alone time---time which I intend to spend getting some exercise in or getting together with a friend---this is a rather daunting experience...not so much for him, but for me.

This is the first time he will be away from me in the care of a stranger. I know logically this person is employed by the city and has done this class many times before, but never with my child. It's scary I must say. Terrifying. I am putting my most beloved and precious person, my heart, into the arms of someone I have never met before and know nothing about. I am trusting this person to keep him safe and to watch over him until he is back into my arms.

I had a talk with Zorro last night, reviewing safety tips. He knows who his safe adults are and knows not to leave with anyone else. I placed his name tag on his shoe with our pertinent information just in case he gets lost. He will be wearing another on his clothing and one around his neck. I know. Paranoid...but he doesn't know his phone number or address and I'd rather be safe than sorry. Much much rather he be safe.

So mommy's having a wee bit of separation anxiety. Daddy has no clue because it's mommy's secret.

I know people do this all the time. I know. I do. Kids go off to school. Kids get left with babysitters and nannies. Kids go to camp. But, I don't. And not my kid. So, this is a first for us. For me. I know he'll be fine. And I will too.

Mental dialog:
This is good for us. (repeat)

Smooth Talker

Zorro was checking out my neck.

"Mommy? What are these?" he asks, pointing to my moles (little mole not big MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY!).

"That's mommy's skin."

"I love them," he says pressing a kiss to the side of my neck.

My little lovey.

Watch out ladies! He's only going to get better!

Tic Tac

Zorro was tapping his feet and created his own game.

"Let's play Tip, Tap, Toe."

Define "Alright"

I was in rare form yesterday.

There was no pressure for me to do much of anything in a specific timeframe. I didn't feel rushed or harried. My nerves weren't rattled. My smile was genuine.

My husband came home to find me in the midst of cleaning the house. This was at about 2:00 pm. 3 hours later...I'm still cleaning.

"Are you alright?" he queries, concerned because in the past, I get upset...I clean.

I smile and say "yes" and mean it. I continue to dust and reorganize. I even managed to throw stuff away...pack rat that I am...and not shed a tear or blink an eye. (Just a few stuff, mind you...I can't part with everything---who knows for what and when I may need it?!)

It feels pretty good to be in control again. In control in more ways than one.
A few times the hubby checks on me to make sure I am indeed "alright."

Yes, I am finally feeling like I may just be alright. =)

Faster than a Speeding Bullet

WOW! Have you all just been waiting?! I can't believe you are all here and just a day after I restarted! And I didn't even have to send out announcements!

YOU ARE THE BEST!!

I am so lucky to have such great friends!! THANK YOU!!

GROUP HUG!

I actually got the gumption to start back in the kitchen. Yesterday I made Thai papaya salad after a long hiatus. The husband was starting to get worried I may never cook again. (Of course there is no cooking involved with this salad but you get the idea.) I may even attempt another dish in a few days. No need to rush into these things. Don't want to over do it, you know.

Finally got a referral to see an allergist. That visit will take place next week. Hopefully it will help me get a night's rest without waking up half a dozen times coughing. And I'm quite sure the hubby would appreciate any help in his getting a full rest too. It seems to be bothering him more than it does me. But, I'm not up at 4:00 am either (at least not by choice).

Whoooeeee. Two days in a row of blogs. I think it may rain in California tonight! And no therapy tonight. My doc cancelled and rescheduled for next week. Guess she's not too worried I'm going to crawl into a hole and hibernate for the winter. Maybe by next week I'll have something to report to her other than "I'm fine" and have it mean fine fine and not F.I.N.E. fine. Know what I mean? At least I know one of you knows.

And Zorro is sure making gains towards adulthood. He's gone from diapers to pullups at nights. He wears just undies at nap time. We also took off the gate to the bathroom so he can take himself to the toilet. And out of about 12 days, he was totally dry 11, holding his pee till the morning. I'm just incredibly proud of him in so many ways. I am so so lucky to be his mother. I really am.

Ooooooohhhhhhhhh!!! It's good to be back! Feels so so good! I want to jump and shout and sing (yes, I'll spare you all the singing). I can't explain how good it feels to feel myself. Not literally with my hands. Gawd! Get out of the gutter!!

I'm happy.

Have a good night all.

Have you given up?

I know it's been a long time, and for me---it's been a longer haul. The good news is...I am still here! And things are much better. At least for today I can say that!

Actually the past week has been good. Getting this all out in the open has made things easier for me. I've been blessed with a man who---although it doesn't happen often---makes an effort to know me. More importantly, he tries to give me what I need. So, if the crazy woman needs time for herself (although he may grumble), he gives me my "timeout".

Having mommy on "timeout" has been working well. It made him see that just because mommy is here and my son is asking for me, it doesn't mean he can't and shouldn't intervene. So now when mommy is on "timeout", daddy gets the questions and comments and playtime.

My husband is also starting to read me better and recognize my overwhelmed, frazzled look. Yes, it is possible for a man to start learning about his wife...even if it takes 10 plus years. Hey, it's a step in the right direction. And when he recognizes it, he makes a good effort to help me. Sometimes I need a walk. Sometimes I need a hug. And sometimes a Mojito is just what the doctor ordered.

I've been taking some time for me. I'm learning to get organized so I don't get overwhelmed. I'm learning to not put so much importance in one area and focus more on having fun and relaxing. I'm learning that other people's emotions should not directly affect me. If you are mad about something, I should let you deal with it. It does not have to be MY problem. I don't have to get upset too, especially when there is nothing I can do.

I control me. That I can do. So the focus reshifts to me. Getting me well. Getting me what I need to be happy. Keeping myself in check and in balance. I'm still seeing my therapist but the last session 3 weeks ago she let me out early. First she had to laugh as I recounted the events of my life, making me feel a little justified in my kookiness. Then I was let out early...I guess you could say for good behavior.

I go for my next visit tomorrow night. I don't have much to report. No news IS good news.

I feel better than I have in months.

I feel happy.

I feel hopeful.