Love and Duty

The hubby worked hard all week to get today off. Unfortunately, it was all for naught. He was called in for jury duty and is at the local courthouse today. He is not a happy camper. Neither is Zorro who was looking forward to daddy taking him to preschool and showing off the classroom toys, especially the assortment of Chevron cars.

While I feel for hubby (I really do!), I still get my free time during Zorro's class. WOOHOO!! I have my exercise outfit planned, packed my fanny pack (yes, I still use one), and have my MP3 player ready to go. Rascal Flatts and I can eat some serious pavement together.

After getting on the scale a few days ago and seeing I gained--and continued to gain--weight, I gave myself an ass-whooping. Big ass...Big whooping. So, I'm happy to report I made some effort to eat less (portion size and caloric intake) and to get in some exercise. I got on my mini stepper 3 days in a row--granted it was only 15 minutes per day but it was more than I had done in months. I also managed to do some girly-man push-ups and some crunches. I am going to get back to happy and to happy weight!

I reread some of my past blogs, blogs of my happier days. I read the love I felt for my son, my joy of him. I read the pride I felt in myself, the joy of being who I was--mommy, wife, friend. I also read my time of tears and confusion. And saw the days and weeks of missing entries. And the missing pages spoke for themselves.

And here I am.

The love for my son never left--but the love for me and my interests had waned. It was a struggle to smile and attempt to make each day seem normal. It was a struggle not to let my sadness show through and not to let it touch the brightness of my son. I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to fake it. I made it. It feels normal and right. I feel good. I feel so incredibly good and I know how lucky I am to be here. It's such an amazing difference to how I felt just 2 months ago. Like night and day.

And writing again...soothes my soul once more.

Hello, old friend. Hello.